Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
