Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just found a bag of teeth...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
