i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Houston, we have a blender
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
