I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
