Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
