He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
