Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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