My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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