Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
