he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize