I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
