another moral hangover. fuck.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
