Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
