I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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