just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
