I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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