the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
