u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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