I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
