how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
