I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
