when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
