Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
