hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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