Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
