But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
