i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
