I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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