she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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