You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Even my vagina gasped.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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