dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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