So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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