Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
