the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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