Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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