Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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