I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
