Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
