That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
