your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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