as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
pray to the hookup gods
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
