I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
