After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
