after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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