Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I would fuck him just for his dog
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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