I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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