Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
