Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize