i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
