We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
