Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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