Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
