im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
