I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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