Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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