girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
