We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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